closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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