it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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