Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
