I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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