she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
