and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
