I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
