We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
