i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
