so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
