I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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