those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
