Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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