I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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