Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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