I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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