take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
