in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
