I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
