Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
