i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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