my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
