So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
