there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
