either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
