Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
