Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
