i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize