Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
