mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
