I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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