were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
