Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I cut my penus on the lid.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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