I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
