wanna go halves on a baby?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
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