It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
