so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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