I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
