Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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