i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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