I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
