Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
