I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
operation harelip BJ is a go
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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