Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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