Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
