Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
