took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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