I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize