He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
