You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
