Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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