i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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