Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
