I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
