Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
