you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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