I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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